I am writing this piece around the difficulties facing masculinity in the modern world in response to Louise Chunn’s recent article in BBC’s In Depth section, entitled “The France rape trial throws up a difficult question about porn fantasies – and male desire”. The trial was shocking to read about and shines a light on shadowy aspects of male sexual desire that can cause so much pain and suffering.
As a straight, male psychotherapeutic counsellor, I encounter the difficulties that men struggle with around their desire and what it means to be a man in the modern world on a daily basis. In ‘The Hero Within’, American author and educator Carol Pearson identifies two roads that we tend to choose between as we reach adulthood: she identifies one as the Warrior archetype, who changes the world to get their needs met and the other as the Martyr archetype, who changes themselves in an effort to be liked by others enough to get their needs met. Both roads are problematic and have limited use or appeal in the longer term, according to Carol and I would agree with her.
In much the same way, in the modern world, men have increasingly divided into two groups, often identified in popular culture as ‘Alphas’ and ‘Betas’. Alphas (A Men) are usually seen as strong, attractive and sure of themselves and their sexual desire. However they are also often seen as adopting the Warrior archetype’s methods of trying to change others to get their needs met and struggle to feel empathy. Betas (B Men) adopt the Martyr archetype of being affable, nice, gentle and pleasing, but just like the Martyr archetype, they struggle to express their sexual desire and repress their healthy anger, quite often becoming quite passive aggressive.
I would suggest that both groups of men have the capacity to engage in toxic behaviour towards women and other groups too. A Men struggle to feel empathy for others and can become tyrannical in relationships, bossing their partners around and not listening to other points of view. B Men might at first seem gentle and kind, but can often become very resentful under the surface, which can sometimes turn into shadowy rage: perhaps best illustrated in the rise of the current Incel movement. I believe that a man who wishes to drug a woman in order to rape her is likely to be repressing his personal power and sexual desire: he feels powerless and needs to regain it by acting out in toxic and underhand ways. This sounds like B Man behaviour to me.
My concern with articles in the press that seem to suggest that men’s sexual desire or personal power is dangerous or problematic is that it further encourages young boys and men to repress their power and desire. I realise that we have been living in a world that has been dominated by men for a long time, but I believe there is something worse that a world run by A Men. If more and more young men repress their personal power and sexual desire and become B Men, they are likely to become increasingly resentful and act out in shadowy ways towards women, whether that is watching demeaning and objectifying pornography, or even drugging and raping women at the extreme.
I believe that there is a third way for men to be: Conscious men (C Men). Men who are able to express their sexual needs and desires clearly and where necessary, positive anger to protect their boundaries and those that they love. Men who are able to feel open hearted empathy for others and compassion for themselves. I have dedicated a lot of my life to helping men begin to express themselves clearly and to open their hearts. I hope we as a culture can encourage men to do this together and a big part of this is the press ensuring that they present a balanced perspective that does not shame men into the shadows.